On Traveling Alone: The Eastern/Central Europe Edition

As I got ready to leave Warsaw and write the quarterly report, I began to reflect a lot on the past three months and what I have learned, some of the wonderful and funny experiences and some of the more uncomfortble ones as well.  So, on top of the quarterly report, here's this bit of babbling on what I have learned from traveling alone generally.

When Kara, my Watson interview who was kind and couldn't have made the experience any better, asked repeatedly about mental and emotional health and personal safety, I thought I understood.  We're traveling alone for a year in places where we've never been.  We will be disconnected in any number of ways: language, culture, from our families and friends.  Our personal identities might cause trouble.  The nature of our projects might cause more.  Being in certain neighborhoods could make safety an issue. I thought I understood.  I knew that being butch, or butch-ish, would most likely cause some awkward interactions.  It happens at home; why wouldn't it happen abroad?  The same for my project topic. 

Spending four years at Rhodes and significant time outside of the gates in Memphis, I thought I had some idea of how not to confuse being personally safe and smart with being paranoid and disconnected.  I knew that I would feel a fool being unable to communicate and no matter how much I read about culture and custom, I might still do something rude. In Poland, for example, most people I've met greet with a hug and one or two kisses on the cheek.  No matter how happy I am to see someone, I have this idea of personal space that makes it impossible for me to see that as an immediate option, and by the time I remember, it would be bizarre for me to initiate.   Anyway, I thought I knew.  Nope.

Advance warning: this is a really, really long post. 


Where to Stay and How to Avoid the Creepers, Or: Yes, that man is going to walk around in his ill-fitting speedo:

Basically, avoid large dorm rooms, check hostel/Airbnb/family stay reviews carefully, look at neighborhood location, and if you don't feel comfortable, get up out of there.

Once again, I'm grateful to be able to stay in cities for long periods of time.  It means that I can rent an apartment and live by myself.  Many Watsons do homestays or couch surf, but for me, there were several reasons why this didn't seem like the best idea.  First of all, I'm traveling in a few countries where the social opinions about LGBT life would make it risky to reach out for a home stay.  There are many times when I won't feel comfortable, but I want to feel comfortable, minimally, in the place where I sleep and eat.  I also wanted to be able to reciprocate hospitality by cooking and doing things for others, something I felt might be more of a possibility in a kitchen of my own.  Living by myself also forces me to get to know a city on my own.  I have to find my own grocery store, get to know public transport, find restaurants, laundry, etc. on my own.  In Warsaw, this experience left me feeling much more connected to the spaces than I anticipated, and I hope to repeat that experience as I continue.  These were the primary reasons why I chose to rent apartments or seek private housing, mostly through Airbnb.

Still, when I am traveling or before I have an apartment ready, hostels are the cheapest and easiest answer to housing.  I try to look for hostels in gay-friendly neighborhoods (if there are any.  In the case of Warsaw, there is not one neighborhood or street, so I picked somewhere centrally located and not terribly far from the gay life I could find on the internet).  Hostels are great because they generally have free walking tours that they either put on themselves or advertise.  They create a social space.  They force conversation and interaction.  They provide an opportunity to meet people from all over the world.  I've had many, many conversations about LGBT identity and LGBT rights in hostels, with people from countries around the world. Still, with regard to the ultimate goal of my project, hostels don't allow for the same kind of experience as an apartment and so I will try to spend most of my time in a more permanent living situation.

At first, I didn't pay much attention to gender or number when booking rooms.  I looked more at price and general reviews.  While price is still a concern, I have developed definite preferences with regard to other features.  More than 8 beds is generally a recipe for very little sleep.  That many separate schedules means that you are either the person being woken or waking someone else up when you come back to the room. I stayed in an 18 bed dorm in Berlin and it was definitely a lesson learned.  Later, when 12 again proved to be too much, I downsized again.  Smaller rooms are more expensive but truly, being able to sleep is well worth 2-5 more dollars a night.  I also prefer female dorms when possible.  This is less important, especially in smaller rooms, but I'm more comfortable in a women's dorm.

Here are some of the weirder hostel stories from my own experience and some stolen from others in my hostel or from other travelers.

I spent my first week in Warsaw in the Oki Doki Hostel, which I can't praise enough, but no matter how great the hostel, there will always be creepers.  A few nights into my stay, an older man checked into my room.  It was a six bed dorm, and it was a full room, with the only bed left being the one directly across from me.  He proceeded to strip down to what appeared to be a blue speedo that was somehow both too big and too small for him.  It's not uncommon for guys to sleep in their underwear.  It's really, really hot and there is no air conditioning and it's normally no big deal.  This was different for a number of reasons.  First of all, the fit was terrible an he was basically naked. If he had just gone to bed, it would have been fine.  Everybody has a day where they need to do laundry and maybe he was just having a rough one.  Whatever.  He didn't just go to bed, though.  Once an hour for every hour past 3am, he would shoot up in bed, say "Wally," really loudly, and stand up to move to the window, which was right next to my bed.  This put his crotch exactly at my eye level, and more than once, I was unfortunate enough to wake up just as he was trying to fix his speedo situation.  He also made some very uncomfortable noises.  The nice guy in the bed in front of mine made eye contact with me and we both tried not to laugh, although I'm sure the mild horror I saw in his eyes was present in mine as well. Fortunately, speedo man was only a roommate for one night.

In Berlin, there was a middle-aged man who was drunk the entire time we were there, day and night.  That alone was not terribly unusual, but he had a habit of roaming the room and examining other people's stuff. Once, I was in the room and he began to speak to a British guy about one of the other women staying in the room.  I'm not sure if he thought that because he was speaking Spanish, he would not be understood, but it was gross and he briefly picked up an item of her clothing, although he didn't do anything to it.  I wish now that I had told someone or said something but it was early in the trip and I was much more timid about things like that than I am now.

One guy used someone's bed for his toilet; he had no recollection the next day but was obviously horrified.

Liz, whom I met in Prague, told the story of a guy who stayed up through the night staring at her friend and singing.  He then got in Liz's face and said, "Meow." The hostel owner kicked him out.

Two girls in my hostel in Prague had all of their luggage stolen.  One guy checked into four separate hostels and robbed people in each place.

I have stayed in hostels seven times and these creepers and experiences are in the minority.  For the most part, these are awesome places; it's just that sometimes things happen, and for anyone who might be traveling alone now or in the future, just know that for the most part, they eventually become funny stories and I've had many "weirdest hostel experience" conversations with other travelers.  That being said, if you feel uncomfortable, leave.  I have not had to do that yet, but I will without hesitation if speedo guy ever becomes overly familiar speedo guy or "meow" guy, for that matter.  Finding a comfortable place to stay is essential to being able to enjoy a place, especially when you're alone.

On that note...

Personal Safety:

For the most part, I have felt safe traveling and exploring the various cities of Eastern/Central Europe where I've been.  I have a couple of things going for me there.  First of all, I don't immediately get labeled as a tourist.  Unless I'm carrying around my massive pack or have my nose buried in a map, I blend fairly well.  People often speak to me in Polish or ask me for directions, especially when I'm not in the touristy parts of the city.  I have also had people to go out with.  I try not to go out by myself and to be smart about when and where I spend my time, just like in Memphis.

Still, I am traveling by myself, and sometimes that is scary and uncomfortable.

In Prague, a stranger approached me, hit on me, and when I said no thanks (with more force than that, don't worry), followed me until I lost him in the crowd. 

One guy in a bar went in to shake my hand, put his arm around me, and forced me into his body.  He tried to kiss me and I pulled away.  A friend saw and called to me, and he backed off.

A guy came into a coffee shop where I was reading, sat down next to me, put his arm around my chair, and blocked me from getting away.  He smelled like alcohol and scooted closer to me until a waitress saw him and made him leave.  I should have made him leave myself but I was nervous and afraid.  I have to get over that.  I'm working on it.

Personal Safety as a Butch Woman:

This is a particular concern of mine, especially as I wander around places where attitudes about homosexuality are less than friendly.  I feel nervous sometimes.

In Warsaw, when it was time to get my hair cut, I had this moment where I thought, "Couldn´t you just let it grow out? Does it matter that much?"  At home, I have friends and family to walk around with me or give me the confidence to dress the way I want to dress and cut my hair however I want.  Abroad, I am alone when people give me confused glances or call me "sir," generally without any ill will but sometimes with a clear negativity or wariness.

Once a man tried to stop me from entering the women's restroom.  We were the only people in the hallway, and it made me nervous.  He was very insistent, putting his hand on the door to stop me from entering.  Eventually, something clicked and he walked away, but it was a really uncomfortable moment and there was nobody for me to tell when I got back to my table.  It was just me.

Another time two guys on a subway in Budapest did some taunting.

Normally it's fine but being alone has made me much more aware of how much my own community gives to me and how much I rely on them for support and confidence.

Thanks to everyone back home for that.  It means so much to be able to walk with confidence because someone has my back.

Traveling Alone, Generally:

For the most part, traveling alone is liberating.  There is a freedom that comes with being responsible for and answering only to yourself, and it's a great feeling, if scary and unfamiliar at times.  Of course, I am accountable to the Watson and I keep in touch with my friends and family.  It's not that I'm disconnected; it's that I'm responsible for myself and my daily life in a way that I never have been in the past.  It's also a fact that while I can keep in touch with those I love at home, I am the one who determines how and where I'll spend my days, when I'll come home and where home will be for that month, with whom I'll spend time.

Because I am always pursuing my project, there are a series of goals that drive everyday life.  The structure of that life, however, depends on my thoughts and experiences.  If I feel that something might be beneficial, I can pursue it.  I can act and react freely.  This is, I imagine, why the Watson discourages formal internships with organizations and traveling in groups.  The ability to move and change with time and experience provides an incredible amount of opportunity.  Nothing is closed off.

At first, I was panicky.  I had a very set definition of what it was to be successful and how busy I needed to be in order to be productive.  As I've come to find out, this project requires a clean slate when it comes to those words.  Productivity can be redefined.  Having a lengthy conversation with someone about their experience as an LGBT person is productive.  Finding a safe space in the city and becoming familiar with it is productive.  On some days, especially in a new place, finding a place to buy groceries and learning to navigate and feel comfortable is productive.  At this point, I think success is asking new questions and seeking answers.  It's getting to know a place, to find the spaces that make me comfortable and make others comfortable as well, to reach out and talk to people, to build relationships and familiarity.

This is, of course, easier to write in reflection than it is to tell myself sometimes.  I can't shed years of habit and expectation in a few months; it would be weird if I could.  But! I'm learning, and I can feel the change in the way that I think and approach my surroundings and other people. 

On All the Feels:

For the most part, days are unbelievably good.  Truly, it's ridiculous how amazing this year is.  It's ridiculous how good and generous people are, how much I have an opportunity to learn, about myself and about others, and how I get to spend my days pursuing a project and a goal that has been a major part of my life since I was old enough to realize it could be. 

Still, there are rough days.  They don't come often but every once in a while they pop up.  There are times when fear and loneliness creep up and make the thought of going to one more new place, of feeling out of place, of being lost again, of talking to another stranger or of being unable to communicate with another person, totally overwhelming.  Sometimes I can feel it coming on, and other times it's a little thing that brings it on.  Once a woman was extremely rude on the bus and it just threw me off totally.  Normally that wouldn't cause me more than a few seconds of annoyance but it brought on this whole emotional deal.

At those times, I have found that it's okay to write an email to friends at home or to reread the ones I've received, to send my Mom or girlfriend a message or ask to Skype, even if I don't mention exactly why (or sometimes not. Recently I told my girlfriend that I couldn't Skype because it was one of those moments when someone being nice to me would have broken the emotional dam.  We sent messages instead.).  It's okay to take a minute and reflect on what is actually going on to make me upset or afraid.  This part is important because not only does it force me to pay attention and reflect but also, more importantly, I inevitably remember exactly what it is that I'm doing and how lucky I am, how much I love this project and how much I have learned from the people I have met along the way, how much but also how little time I have to explore in this way. 

Building Relationships:

People are wonderful.

As of yesterday, I am finished with my Poland leg.  I was happy to be able to spend my last week in Warsaw, although sad that I was not able to spend more time with the people that I met traveling over the past few weeks.  The fabulous folks in the hostels and the wonderful people who agreed to speak with me about LGBT life in their cities and countries each left a mark on me and I'm extremely grateful to have met them.

Building relationships while traveling is a unique and wonderful experience, but it also requires a sometimes difficult mental and emotional process.  I've had this conversation with multiple people on the way.  None of us really knows how to define the kinds of relationships that are built in travel.  The same principles apply to the wonderful people I've met at the KPH and out and about in Warsaw.  They have discussed their lives and experiences with me and have allowed me to get to know them, despite the fact that I'm a temporary presence.  I'm beyond grateful that they opened themselves up to me and I have tried to reciprocate. 

There are people that I have met on this trip so far that have made a massive impact on the way that I think.  Some have given me a sense of familiarity and comfort, a feeling of home and an easiness of conversation, that has been like a weight lifted.  Others have challenged me and forced me to come out of my comfort zone, to change the way that I normally talk, whether because I am being forced to think in a new way or because I know that if I don't assert myself in a way that makes my inner Southern woman cringe, I won't be heard at all.   It's not as if I didn't frequently channel my angry lesbian at Rhodes, but in a situation with
people that I don't know very well in a place that I hardly know at all, it's different. 

Friendships while traveling get put on the fast track.  Everyone is aware that there isn't really time to go slowly, so it hasn't been uncommon to discuss family issues, political beliefs, personal fears, and other experiences within a few hours, or occasionally, minutes of meeting someone.  There is an openness that comes with the shared experience of traveling, especially, I have found, between people who are traveling alone.  The rewards that come from being open to conversation are numerous.  It makes going to dinner with people you've known for five hours seem like going to dinner with people who have known you much longer.  It banishes some of the feelings of isolation. 

It also, however, requires a strange agreement between those involved.  Everyone agrees to make themselves open, to talk about personal experiences and opinions, to make the social and emotional effort that comes with that, and then to say goodbye to these new friends.  It's a weird feeling.  It's obvious that there is a great benefit to getting to know people quickly and finding friends that you would love to be able to see regularly, that you want to transport home so that it's possible to have a beer and chat on a normal Friday.  It's not possible, however, and instead, it's likely that Facebook, if you even think to find each other on Facebook, becomes the primary method of conversation and the best hope is that you'll cross paths in travel or make dedicated trips to see one another. 

The benefits of these relationships far outweigh the unfortunate reality of their limited time spans. I am a different and better person as a result of the relationships I've made here in Warsaw and on the road, and I have no doubt that I will stay in touch with many of these amazing new friends.  Still it takes an emotional toll to make yourself vulnerable and open, repeatedly, and leave a part of yourself and your history with someone you only get to spend a few months, days, or maybe just several hours, getting to know. 

One friend, Zina, suggested that maybe we think about friendships and relationships the wrong way.  We expect long-term exchanges, years or decades of communication in order to qualify something as a friendship when really, we should learn to love even the fleeting relationships for what they are and to have different expectations for different situations.  I'm trying to do that.  It's a big lesson of the Watson. 

As I got ready to leave Warsaw, it was on my mind a lot, as the above ramble probably indicates.  I've spent the past few months getting to know this place and these people, getting comfortable and building relationships, trying to be open and available.  As a result, I love this city.  I had no idea how much it would teach me or mean to me. 

I'm excited to be in Argentina.  I'm thrilled at the idea of getting to know and love Buenos Aires the way I love Warsaw.  Still, I'm fighting to remind myself to stay open.  The fear and sadness that accompany leaving this new home and the people associated with it strengthen an instinct to shield myself and to remember that I will have to leave once again.  In reading the blogs of past Watsons, I was happy to find that this struggle is common and that many people have to fight to keep themselves open as they move through their year. 

In conclusion, thanks to everyone who broke the ice in a hostel common room, offered a personal story while out for dinner or a beer, had a conversation with me at a gay bar in Warsaw, and spoke to me frankly about their personal experiences as LGBT people or allies.

Okay, so there's a long rant on traveling alone and a few stories that didn't seem to fit anywhere else.  I'm not sure what will be similar or different traveling through Argentina, but I can't wait to find out.