Calm Down, Weirdo

Last week I had my first, but I assume not my last, Watson freakout. It went something like this:

What are you doing?  Why aren't you busy all the time? What does it even mean to be busy with this?  Why don't you know the answer to that?  Why are you talking to yourself and not every gay person ever to live in Warsaw? You're a failure. Do better.  Are you really gone for a whole year?  They made a mistake with me.  I'm not doing what I should be doing. What should I be doing?  I have to do better.  What is better?  I don't know but I am pretty positive I am terrible at this.

I panicked.  It was not pretty.  Because this did not really happen before I left home, didn't happen on the plane to Warsaw even though I was fully prepared for it, didn't happen when I got lost going to the hostel or when I spent 8 hours overnight in the Arrivals area of Heathrow waiting on the airport to open again, I had almost fooled myself into thinking that this sort-of breakdown wasn't coming.  Silly.  It came as I was doing dishes in my apartment.  Of course.  My heart pounded and my head hurt.  I was scared and nervous about every part of what was happening and what will be happening over the next year.

I pulled out the small card that the Watson sends with us.  It's the size of a passport and can be tucked in there for easy access.  It is titled, perfectly, "Am I Doing This Right?"
It reads, in part, "This supplement is a short guide and permission to take it easy on yourself.  If you are doing the following, you are doing well."

Here are all of the pieces of advice:

Treat the Journey as the Destination
Act in Place
See Challenges as Opportunities
Maintain Your Independence
Learn When to Move On
Find New Truths that Work for You
Follow the Watson Guidelines
Enjoy

My Mom also sent a series of cards with me.  In a little ziploc bag, I have about 30 laminated cards with various inspirational quotes and notes from my Mom.  The quotes range from Dr. Martin Luther King to Chuckie from Rugrats to my brother and grandparents to Vonnegut.  She spent a long time collecting them, matching the front and back thematically, signing them with her own note and then laminating them.  When she gave them to me, it was one of those moments before I left where I almost started crying out of fear and love and every other emotion that hit me when the phrase "I get to travel for a whole year doing something that I love" existed simultaneously as the coolest thing ever and the barrier between being able to lounge around with and talk regularly to the people I love most in the world.  In any case, the cards were extremely helpful in the moments of terror and self-doubt, so here is a sampling.

Although I lost my mind there for a minute (lots of minutes, to be honest), I realized after talking to my Mom and reading the Watson card and guidelines that I am doing what I should be doing (as much as there is a "what I should be doing" and I can be sure about anything.)  Y'all, this is a totally new frame of mind for my usual, plan-loving, calendar-dependent self, but it's good.  This post feels whiny and crazy but it was also inevitable, I think.  There was bound to be a moment when my lack of control and my inability to plan every detail started a fight with my excitement and gratitude for this year.  The positives win, are winning every day, but it seemed important for me to note this moment and how it went away, lost in a TKO to the almost impossible reality of the undeniable beauty of the place where I am and of the experience of this year in itself, the good and the bad.

This is what I know: I am living in Warsaw, getting to know gay life here, getting to know everyday life here, and pushing myself out of my comfort zone on the regular.  I have a favorite grocery store where the ladies recognize me.  I have a favorite bar where the bartender knows me and my cheap but solid choice of Polish beer.  I can navigate to a multitude of places and I'm not afraid to try even if I'm going somewhere unfamiliar.  I do things by myself but also with other people, introducing myself to strangers and experiencing happily the friendliness of almost every Warsavian I've met.

This is, from what I can tell so far, what it is to try to become a part of a community and to work on the project I presented to the Watson Foundation.  It's different from what I thought it might be but all of the questions from each stage of the interview process about how to fill the day, how to maintain mental health and confidence, how to be flexible (really this one is key; I was kidding myself about certain characteristics I thought I had.  It should have been evident to me that someone who has multiple list-making apps and calendaring tools, someone who enjoyed being in charge of sorority elections, spread sheets, calendars, and paperwork deadlines, does not fall totally under the category of "flexible."), how to keep courage and keep going all make a lot more sense to me now.  Maybe this is wrong and maybe I'm doing it wrong but it seems unlikely given that there isn't a definition for what "right" is.  That's still a reality that is difficult for me to grasp.  These freakouts are apparently normal for fellows, which is good to know.

Please forgive the particularly self-centered nature of this post.  There was a moment when I felt like I was drowning and I needed to document it for myself and for anyone else who might be interested in the struggles of doing something totally new and largely undefined in a foreign place.  It's a moment that I assume will have lots of ugly friends as this year progresses but will by no means outweigh the amazing and life-changing opportunities and experiences of this year as a whole.  In fact, this panic is definitely one of those moments of growth, which tend to hurt but help in redefining how I think about success, about myself and others. 

Ultimately, I guess I'm writing this because I need to remind myself now and for the future that things will not look the way that I might have expected but this doesn't mean that they're wrong.  This year is different and it's supposed to be different.  Most of the time that is ridiculously exciting but for the moments when it becomes overwhelming and makes me feel like a failure somehow, it's probably important to note that I need to calm it on down and take a look at where I am and what I'm doing to determine how and if things actually need to change.  Then also take a minute to appreciate the greatness of the opportunity that I have here.  When people ask me about the Watson and then tell me they can't believe how cool it is, my general response is, "I know.  Me either.  It's unbelievable."   It is.  It's totally unbelievable, and I am going to take full advantage while I can.